Dear Readers, Last year my German publisher Petra Michel of Aquamarin asked if I would be willing write a short booklet helping people to deal with a dying pet. A blog I wrote on this subject years ago was quite popular, as was advice I shared in my book ‘Buddhist for Pet Lovers.’ Petra is eager to share this advice with German readers.
Thank you David for this and it is timely as well. I recently had my 13 year old bulldog die and I miss him so much. For 2 years he was in kidney failure and every night I sat with him and gave him sub q fluids. He never resisted and laid perfectly still, I would sit and talk to him letting him know he could go when he was ready, I sincerely believe he knew and two nights before he passed he came over and pawed at me , asking to sit next to me on the couch and we sat together. He became toxic and I could do nothing more for him. I struggled with deciding to end his suffering but I could not let him suffer any longer. I decided to help him leave. And I stayed with him while he did, it took quite sometime after his heart stopped for me to leave him. But, I do not know if it was in keeping with what you have written. I did my best. And now, my cat, Ivy who is 20 years old, her kidneys are shutting down. I simply cannot watch her suffer and not do anything. Becoming toxic is extreme suffering and having to end her suffering comes from a place of deep compassion. From the Buddhist prospective, it seems they do not agree with ending her pain, I struggle with it not for me, but I want the best for her. Any advice or knowledge you could share on end of life decisions for a pet would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for allowing me the space to express my loss. It is difficult to process. Sincerely,
I know your pain JoAnn. Deepest sympathies from one who also recently lost her beloved dog Charlie and also has a 14 year old cat dying from end stage kidney failure. 💙
I am so sorry to hear about Ivy, JoAnn. I am concerned that you think Buddhists don't wish to end pain. We most certainly do! Pain management and palliative care is very much the preferred option. Only when one can't be sure that pain is being managed would I personally suggest euthanasia, ideally at home after sedation. This is what I've done with our own dear cats suffering from kidney failure. My heart goes out to you. A peaceful death is one of the greatest gifts you can give Ivy.
Thank you for your reply. It is helpful to have your perspective. Euthanasia is not something that comes easily to me, and only an extreme measure done with love and compassion. I simply want the best for Ivy and Elton too (my bulldog) . I want happiness for them now and in the future. I believe that Buddhist are the kindest loving people and did not intend to imply that they were not. I sincerely appreciate their practice and have been integrating as much as I can into my life. I do feel inadequate in making these decisions for them (Ivy and Elton). I admire your knowledge and your ability in sharing it. I love your books. They have eased my stress in life and I sincerely appreciate you and your help.
Thank you for a very understandable explanation of a very complex subject. It is very helpful.Like everyone else losing much loved pets is heartrending. I wish I had understood this when my Mum died, I was lucky enough to have some idea when my Dad died ( inpart thanks to your book). It really does help
I wonderful simple explication of the bardo state and what we can do on behalf of those who have recently passed. My closest friend died one month ago and it’s been a challenging time for all concerned.
Then I put on my editor’s hat and expect that you’ll want to make a spell change to one word here:
“The biggest way that Buddhist guidelines differ from those I’ve encountered elsewhere is the active importance of our role in supporting loved ones thought death.” Replacing “thought” with “through” . Namaste!
Thank you David. I don’t believe our souls ever die so to me , death itself only pertains to the body and mind and we drop those once our contracts ( the lessons / work we came to do in any earthly lifetime) are complete in our current lifetime…so in my work and life I refer to the mere end of days in one life as a transition because we truly are not our bodies and bodies can’t live forever but our souls do lifetime after lifetime until we know we are enlightened and then remember again the part of source energy that we always were…When we must say goodbye (for now ) to anyone ,including pets, we Love, the pain we feel is natural because we miss their physical being and all that they have meant to us but we also take great comfort as well in the knowing the( mutual) Love is still there whether they are in their bodies or not…we also know it’s out of our human hands and that the missing them part can never go away because that Love that we have shared is much too important for that, at least so it has seemed in my experience.🌸💐🌺
Thank you for posting this (I’ve had first hand experience with two husbands dying each with opposite experiences and I’ve volunteered with hospice and recognized some universal behaviors surrounding the last moments before death occurs. We can learn a lot from animals who just go somewhere to die, seemingly without struggle; such an important topic. Now, for editing: “Why is the clear life (I think you meant clear “light”) of death so significant? And “By the 49th day after death, every bardo being has definitely (have) found …. (Don’t need the “have”). These edits are likely viewed as “corrections” however, to me, they beautifully reveal how your writing process simply flows from your heart - without being stilted by editing along the way; bravo for that! That’s why your writing, your storytelling, is so enchanting!
When my dad was terminally ill, I had read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and it was so helpful in giving Dad the kind and peaceful passing that he so deserved. Thanks to the writings, I knew on that last day, as I entered Dad's room and he asked me for water because he was so hot and dry, that he was fading. From then on, my mother and I were able to give him peace and kindness and when he actually passed away, I made sure that the doors of his room were open into the garden and that we didn't cry to hold his consciousness back.
In return, it made us feel peaceful - almost as if his hands lay on our shoulders.
It is the least I can do for my beloved dogs as well, and your pamphlet writings are much appreciated.
Hi David. As always, your messages are deeply meaningful to me, and timely. I recently lost a loved one, and this week's newsletter has brought me great comfort. Thank you!!
Peter, don’t be sad as one dies in their own time. I was with my first son when he died and an so thankful for that time together. However my second son died of a massive heart attack while driving. So different! However, the heart holds onto both of them equally. Love and blessings to you for your loss. Pamela
Thank you Pamela for your kind words. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your two sons. It is hard to bear but we all have our Karma and what will be, will be
Very timely for me as well. My 16 year old cat Pearl was actively dying as I read this article, and it did help me quite a lot to ease her passing and to ease my heart. Thank you.
I commented earlier but I do have a question.if time is man made then during the bardo period is it that the 49 days are in earth time ? And does time on the other side coincide with earth time in terms of reincarnation as many souls try to find a way back into life very soon and others may be learning additional lessons or teachings in some other possibly timeless dimensioned plane of consciousness and there could be 35 years ,as an example, earth time, between lifetimes…??? And what about souls who drop their earthly bodies to go to perhaps other galaxies for a future incarnation experience? Or is this too much thinking since we are only talking about the bardo phase of after death (transition ) from body to spirit? Thank you again David.🌹
Wow, Adrienne, this could take a whole chapter to answer! To be brief, the 49 days is human time and yes, Buddhism recognises the subjectivity of this. Personally, I think the 49 days is probably offered as a period for regular humans with karmic obstructions to deal with grief and move on, because we really have no idea about time or space. As you say, the possibilities for future realities are as limitless as the minds projecting them. Until we remove the karma that prevents us from seeing the whole picture, the teachings focus on what is useful to us where we are now.
Hi David, yes I do know that. I've all the Dalai Lama's Cat books and they are amongst my most treasured books. I go back and reread them all at least once a year. Every time, I absorb more detail and have a better understanding.
Thank you David for your clear explanation of what happens in the bardo state. I have recently started to read 'Buddhism for Pet Lovers' skipping forward to the relevant pages as one of our cats died two weeks ago. She was very poorly and died at the vets; we weren't allowed to be with her at the very end and it was possible that they didn't have to intervene.
Thank you David for this and it is timely as well. I recently had my 13 year old bulldog die and I miss him so much. For 2 years he was in kidney failure and every night I sat with him and gave him sub q fluids. He never resisted and laid perfectly still, I would sit and talk to him letting him know he could go when he was ready, I sincerely believe he knew and two nights before he passed he came over and pawed at me , asking to sit next to me on the couch and we sat together. He became toxic and I could do nothing more for him. I struggled with deciding to end his suffering but I could not let him suffer any longer. I decided to help him leave. And I stayed with him while he did, it took quite sometime after his heart stopped for me to leave him. But, I do not know if it was in keeping with what you have written. I did my best. And now, my cat, Ivy who is 20 years old, her kidneys are shutting down. I simply cannot watch her suffer and not do anything. Becoming toxic is extreme suffering and having to end her suffering comes from a place of deep compassion. From the Buddhist prospective, it seems they do not agree with ending her pain, I struggle with it not for me, but I want the best for her. Any advice or knowledge you could share on end of life decisions for a pet would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for allowing me the space to express my loss. It is difficult to process. Sincerely,
I know your pain JoAnn. Deepest sympathies from one who also recently lost her beloved dog Charlie and also has a 14 year old cat dying from end stage kidney failure. 💙
I am so sorry to hear about Ivy, JoAnn. I am concerned that you think Buddhists don't wish to end pain. We most certainly do! Pain management and palliative care is very much the preferred option. Only when one can't be sure that pain is being managed would I personally suggest euthanasia, ideally at home after sedation. This is what I've done with our own dear cats suffering from kidney failure. My heart goes out to you. A peaceful death is one of the greatest gifts you can give Ivy.
Thank you for your reply. It is helpful to have your perspective. Euthanasia is not something that comes easily to me, and only an extreme measure done with love and compassion. I simply want the best for Ivy and Elton too (my bulldog) . I want happiness for them now and in the future. I believe that Buddhist are the kindest loving people and did not intend to imply that they were not. I sincerely appreciate their practice and have been integrating as much as I can into my life. I do feel inadequate in making these decisions for them (Ivy and Elton). I admire your knowledge and your ability in sharing it. I love your books. They have eased my stress in life and I sincerely appreciate you and your help.
Sincerely,
JoAnn
Thank you for a very understandable explanation of a very complex subject. It is very helpful.Like everyone else losing much loved pets is heartrending. I wish I had understood this when my Mum died, I was lucky enough to have some idea when my Dad died ( inpart thanks to your book). It really does help
I am so glad that you found these practices helpful, Sarah.
I wonderful simple explication of the bardo state and what we can do on behalf of those who have recently passed. My closest friend died one month ago and it’s been a challenging time for all concerned.
Then I put on my editor’s hat and expect that you’ll want to make a spell change to one word here:
“The biggest way that Buddhist guidelines differ from those I’ve encountered elsewhere is the active importance of our role in supporting loved ones thought death.” Replacing “thought” with “through” . Namaste!
Thank you so much Nimrod for your kind message and also for that most useful edit! I appreciate it.
Thank you, David, for your generosity in sharing such helpful guidance and wisdom.
Best wishes to you, Anne 💜
My pleasure Anne.
Thank you David. I don’t believe our souls ever die so to me , death itself only pertains to the body and mind and we drop those once our contracts ( the lessons / work we came to do in any earthly lifetime) are complete in our current lifetime…so in my work and life I refer to the mere end of days in one life as a transition because we truly are not our bodies and bodies can’t live forever but our souls do lifetime after lifetime until we know we are enlightened and then remember again the part of source energy that we always were…When we must say goodbye (for now ) to anyone ,including pets, we Love, the pain we feel is natural because we miss their physical being and all that they have meant to us but we also take great comfort as well in the knowing the( mutual) Love is still there whether they are in their bodies or not…we also know it’s out of our human hands and that the missing them part can never go away because that Love that we have shared is much too important for that, at least so it has seemed in my experience.🌸💐🌺
Adrienne, this is a very thoughtful and helpful comment, thank you.
I have a sense that your view is very similar to Buddhist teachings. Many thanks for sharing this, Adrienne.
Thank you for posting this (I’ve had first hand experience with two husbands dying each with opposite experiences and I’ve volunteered with hospice and recognized some universal behaviors surrounding the last moments before death occurs. We can learn a lot from animals who just go somewhere to die, seemingly without struggle; such an important topic. Now, for editing: “Why is the clear life (I think you meant clear “light”) of death so significant? And “By the 49th day after death, every bardo being has definitely (have) found …. (Don’t need the “have”). These edits are likely viewed as “corrections” however, to me, they beautifully reveal how your writing process simply flows from your heart - without being stilted by editing along the way; bravo for that! That’s why your writing, your storytelling, is so enchanting!
My sincere thanks for sharing your experiences, Charna and for those most valuable edits!
Your message of peace and compassion is very welcome in this world filled with anger hate and selfish motivation. Thank you for your message of peace.
Thank you for your very kind message, Michael!
I find this fascinating, David and thank you.
When my dad was terminally ill, I had read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and it was so helpful in giving Dad the kind and peaceful passing that he so deserved. Thanks to the writings, I knew on that last day, as I entered Dad's room and he asked me for water because he was so hot and dry, that he was fading. From then on, my mother and I were able to give him peace and kindness and when he actually passed away, I made sure that the doors of his room were open into the garden and that we didn't cry to hold his consciousness back.
In return, it made us feel peaceful - almost as if his hands lay on our shoulders.
It is the least I can do for my beloved dogs as well, and your pamphlet writings are much appreciated.
I am so very glad that you find them helpful, Prue!
Hi David. As always, your messages are deeply meaningful to me, and timely. I recently lost a loved one, and this week's newsletter has brought me great comfort. Thank you!!
I am so glad to know this, Stacey and hope you will continue to help your loved one as he/she goes through the bardo.
Thank you David, you make Buddhism so understandable.
This subject matter was very close to my heart and I thank you. I am just sorry I wasn’t there for my son when he passed.
Peter, don’t be sad as one dies in their own time. I was with my first son when he died and an so thankful for that time together. However my second son died of a massive heart attack while driving. So different! However, the heart holds onto both of them equally. Love and blessings to you for your loss. Pamela
Thank you for your kind words of support, Pamela!
Thank you Pamela for your kind words. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your two sons. It is hard to bear but we all have our Karma and what will be, will be
So sorry to hear that, Peter. We are all so constrained by our own, and others', karma. Thanks also for your kind words.
Very timely for me as well. My 16 year old cat Pearl was actively dying as I read this article, and it did help me quite a lot to ease her passing and to ease my heart. Thank you.
I am so relieved for you, thank you Hope. May she have a wonderful rebirth!
This topic is so important, & timely - well, I expect it’s always timely if we did but know it - thank you David. I look forward to the next sections.
Thank you Lynn. I will post them in the coming weeks.
I commented earlier but I do have a question.if time is man made then during the bardo period is it that the 49 days are in earth time ? And does time on the other side coincide with earth time in terms of reincarnation as many souls try to find a way back into life very soon and others may be learning additional lessons or teachings in some other possibly timeless dimensioned plane of consciousness and there could be 35 years ,as an example, earth time, between lifetimes…??? And what about souls who drop their earthly bodies to go to perhaps other galaxies for a future incarnation experience? Or is this too much thinking since we are only talking about the bardo phase of after death (transition ) from body to spirit? Thank you again David.🌹
Wow, Adrienne, this could take a whole chapter to answer! To be brief, the 49 days is human time and yes, Buddhism recognises the subjectivity of this. Personally, I think the 49 days is probably offered as a period for regular humans with karmic obstructions to deal with grief and move on, because we really have no idea about time or space. As you say, the possibilities for future realities are as limitless as the minds projecting them. Until we remove the karma that prevents us from seeing the whole picture, the teachings focus on what is useful to us where we are now.
The subject of this article would be a good one for a future Dalai Lama's Cat book.
Thanks Paul. I deal a fair bit with the death process in Awaken the Kitten Within.
Hi David, yes I do know that. I've all the Dalai Lama's Cat books and they are amongst my most treasured books. I go back and reread them all at least once a year. Every time, I absorb more detail and have a better understanding.
A very comforting read David. Thank you for your ability to help us understand! ♥️
My pleasure, thank you Brooke!
Thank you David for your clear explanation of what happens in the bardo state. I have recently started to read 'Buddhism for Pet Lovers' skipping forward to the relevant pages as one of our cats died two weeks ago. She was very poorly and died at the vets; we weren't allowed to be with her at the very end and it was possible that they didn't have to intervene.
I am so sorry for your loss, Wendy. Thank you for sharing.