Tonglen: A Powerful Practice of Giving and Receiving
Tonglen: A Powerful Practice of Giving and Receiving
How to practice : with guided meditation
Tonglen is one of the most powerful therapeutic practices available when meditating, and one I love to share. Today I’d like to explore this ancient technique, with a focus on the transformative benefits it brings.
When we embrace tonglen, we begin reshaping our relationship with suffering, resolving difficult dynamics in our relationships with others, and letting go a little of the often tightly held view of ourselves which is so often the cause of our greatest heartache.
I have offered a simple guided tonglen meditation in video format lasting 15 minutes at the bottom of this article.
The meaning of tonglen
The word tonglen is derived from the Tibetan language: tong meaning “giving” and len meaning “taking” or “receiving.” The practice is a powerful meditation of giving and receiving, where we consciously take in the suffering of others and give them our love, compassion, and joy.
At first, this might sound counterintuitive—why would we want to take on the pain of others? But the selfless exchange lies at the very heart of tonglen and opens us to the deeper realities of interconnectedness and compassion.
Rather than turning away from suffering, tonglen invites us to embrace it. Instead of shielding ourselves from the pain of the world, we breathe it in. And rather than holding on to our own joy, comfort, and love, we breathe it out to all those who need it. This practice upends our instinctive approach to pain and pleasure, making it a powerful tool for personal transformation. It also counters the source of so much of our suffering: our powerful instinct for self-cherishing.
When can tonglen be helpful?
Tonglen is highly versatile. Here are some specific scenarios where tonglen can be especially beneficial:
When someone we know is suffering physically or psychologically : Whether it’s a friend battling illness or a loved one grappling with anxiety, tonglen allows us to connect deeply with their suffering. By breathing in their pain and breathing out love and relief, we can offer genuine compassion and support, even when we feel powerless to help in other ways.
Resolving difficulties in a relationship: Relationships can be fraught with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unspoken tensions. By practicing tonglen, we soften our hearts towards the other person. Breathing in the discomfort and breathing out patience, forgiveness, and love can shift the dynamics of the relationship, opening the door to healing and resolution.
Dealing with unresolved dynamics when a being has died: It is not uncommon to have unfinished emotional business with a being – human or animal - who has passed away. Regret, guilt, or unresolved feelings can linger, weighing heavily on our hearts. Tonglen allows us to work through these emotions by breathing in our pain and the pain of the departed, and breathing out light, forgiveness, and love. This process can bring profound peace and closure.
Forgiving ourselves for how we treated another being: Guilt is a heavy burden that can keep us stuck in self-recrimination. Tonglen helps us to face our actions and offers a way out of an otherwise endless cycle. By breathing in the regret and the harm we may have caused, and breathing out healing and kindness, we offer love not only to the person we may have hurt but also to ourselves. The practice can be a crucial step toward self-forgiveness.
Dealing with overwhelm: News of war, natural disasters, and societal injustices can leave us feeling powerless and overwhelmed. Tonglen offers a way to engage with such suffering. Breathing in the pain of the world and breathing out light, strength, and hope, is assertive behaviour that counteracts a sense of paralysis or defeat. Moreover, it paves the way for exactly these actions which we will carry out spontaneously, effortlessly and ceaselessly as fully enlightened beings!
When we are dealing with our own suffering: Tonglen is not only for the benefit of others; it’s also a powerful tool for self-compassion. When we feel trapped in our own pain—whether it’s physical, emotional, or existential—we can use tonglen to transmute that suffering. By breathing in our own darkness and breathing out light, we offer ourselves the same love and compassion that we would freely offer someone else.
The benefits
What makes tonglen such a profound practice? It has the capacity to fundamentally change how we relate to our own pain and the pain of others. Rather than resisting suffering or hiding from it, tonglen trains us to meet it head-on with courage and love. And when we do this, remarkable things happen.
Dissolving self-centeredness: Our natural tendency is to focus on our own problems, our own pain. Tonglen flips this perspective. As we practice taking on the suffering of others, we recognise that our pain is not unique. Rather, it is part of the human condition. This recognition softens the boundaries of our ego, dissolving the illusion of separateness.
Cultivating compassion: As we breathe in the suffering of others, our hearts naturally soften. We begin to develop genuine empathy—not just as a concept, but as a lived, felt experience. We become more willing to help others because when we step outside the narrow priorities of our own self-focus, their pain becomes as apparent to us as our own.
Transmuting aversion into acceptance: One of the most beautiful aspects of tonglen is that it transforms our habitual tendency of aversion or even fear. When we breathe in suffering, we are training ourselves to face what we might normally seek to avoid. Over time, this act of acceptance becomes a powerful alchemy that turns fear into compassion, anxiety into acceptance.
Expanding our capacity for joy: Tonglen doesn’t only make us more compassionate; it also expands our capacity for joy. By giving away our happiness with each exhale, we tap into an infinite wellspring of inner light. The more we give, the more we discover that love and joy are boundless resources, not finite commodities.
Resolving the unresolved: If there are people or other beings in our lives we would like to have said ‘sorry’ to, but never had the chance. Those we would have liked to have told ‘I love you,’ ‘I forgive you,’ or where there are other unsettled matters of the heart, tong len is a powerful way to resolve the unresolved. Breath by breath, to deal with the past in order to move on.
Connecting us with others: Perhaps the greatest gift of tonglen is how it connects us to others in a deeply meaningful way. It breaks down the walls of isolation and lets us see that our joys and sorrows are shared. This recognition fosters a profound sense of kinship with all beings, leading us toward a more compassionate and connected life.
How to practice tonglen
The idea of breathing in suffering and breathing out love might be daunting at first, but the actual practice of tonglen is beautifully simple and can be done by anyone, regardless of experience in meditation. Here’s a step-by-step guide:
Begin with mindfulness: Find a quiet space where you can sit comfortably with a nice, straight back. Start by taking a few deep breaths, settling your mind, and becoming aware of your own natural breathing. Allow yourself to feel grounded and present.
Begin this, as every meditation, with an attitude of gratitude. As important as your physical posture is your psychological posture. Gratitude, in the words of Cicero, is not only the greatest of all virtues, but the father of all others. Spend a while recollecting the extraordinary privileges you enjoy, and use this to empower your motivation of refuge and bodhichitta – the wish to attain enlightenment to help all other living beings.
Connect with compassion: Bring to mind someone who is suffering—this could be a friend, a loved one, or even yourself. It doesn’t need to be a great or dramatic suffering; it could be something as simple as feeling stressed or lonely. Allow yourself to feel a genuine sense of compassion for this person who is sitting just in front of you in your imagination.
Breathe in the suffering: As you breathe in, imagine you are taking in this person’s pain, darkness, and discomfort. Picture it as a thick, heavy smoke or a dark cloud. Let yourself feel it fully, but without fear—it is only energy, only the feeling of suffering.
As this smoke enters your body, it comes into contact with a small, shiny black sphere at your heart, about the size of a marble. This represents your self-cherishing mind – the habit of always thinking about ‘me, me, me.’ As the dark smoke contacts the small sphere, both smoke and sphere vaporise. Disappear. Vanish.
Breathe out light and love: As you breathe out, visualise sending out bright, warm light—your love, compassion, and healing energy. See it spreading out to the person, enveloping them in peace and comfort. You are giving them all your courage, strength, and happiness.
Expand the practice: You can start with one person but gradually expand tonglen to include others—perhaps all those in a similar situation or even all beings everywhere. If you find this practice helpful, allow it to unfold naturally. Session by session, you may like to include others in your focus of compassion.
Ultimately, we aim to include all other living beings in our practice, visualised as follows: female relatives on the left, male relatives on the right, friends behind us, enemies/those who challenge us in front of us, strangers all around us – as though we are in a vast stadium.
Rest in openness: After as many cycles as you are comfortable with, allow yourself to rest in the open, spacious feeling that arises. Let go of any judgments or expectations. Simply be present, resting in the natural state of mind, which is open, compassionate, and vast.
Dedication: End any session by dedicating whatever merit you have accumulated as a direct cause for every living being, wherever they abide, including whoever you may have focused on, to attain complete and perfect enlightenment.
Conclusion
Tonglen can evolve from more than simply a meditation technique to a practice that underpins a different way of relating to others. When we do tonglen regularly, we access a method for transforming pain, guilt, aversion or overwhelm into a state when we not only heal our own hearts but also touch the lives of those around us.
As we sit, breathe, and open ourselves to the shared experience of all sentient beings, we cultivate a mind that is vast and open. We realise that, at the deepest level, we are all interconnected.
So, the next time you feel overwhelmed by the world’s pain, remember: with every in-breath, you have the power to take it in, and with every out-breath, you can send love back out. In this simple yet profound exchange, we find the essence of what it means to live with an open heart.
To the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha
I go for refuge until becoming enlightened.
By the practice of giving and so on
may I attain Buddhahood to benefit all beings.
Very welcome practice. Just what I'm ready for. Thank you, David. My meditation kitty enjoyed it too..in fact, both came up and purred. Kathy
Thank you for sharing this meditation. I am truly grateful.🙏