Happy Relationships

Excerpt from Kimberly Brown's new book

My fellow Buddhist practitioner, meditation teacher and author Kim Brown has a brand new book out today, Happy Relationships, filled with practical tools to enhance our relationships with others.

I was honoured when Kim asked me to contribute a short Foreword to the book.

Here is a brief excerpt Kim sent me:

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When I was young, I envied the families I saw on television: the Huxtables on The Cosby Show, the Keatons on Family Ties, even the Bradys from The Brady Bunch. I wanted my family to be more like them—to have disagreements without screaming or hard feelings, to not criticize, complain, or ignore one another when annoyed, and to generally listen and respond with empathy and kindness to each other. But as I got older, I noticed that I didn’t know any families that were as reasonable, self-reflective, or honest as those I saw on television or at the movies. And that’s because such families don’t exist. There are no ideal families. The members of every household are sometimes unreasonable, confused, and judgmental—because they’re made up of imperfect human beings, just like you and me.

That’s why it’s important for you to know that your family doesn’t have to be flawless to be happy and loving. As long as you’re not abusing your kids or spouse, everyone’s basic needs of shelter, food, and care are being met, you have relative stability and ordinary communication, you can create a happy (or happier) family. In fact, if you’re reading this, it’s likely you have all the conditions and resources that you need to create the relationships you yearn for, ones that are close, empathic, and loving.

This book will discuss many ways you can improve your communication and behaviors to deepen your connection with the people you love best, but please remember that the single most important factor in creating happy relationships is kindness. You probably don’t think that you can be kind all the time — if you’re kind, how will you get your kids to stop leaving their dirty dishes in the sink? If you’re kind, how can you tell your father to stop complaining about the cost of your tuition whenever you go to visit him? If you’re kind, how will your spouse know that you can no longer tolerate spending every weekend alone while they go out with their friends? Yes, despite what you might believe, I assure you it is possible to get your needs met and be kind when you request it. You can do this if you act when you’re mindful, when your behavior isn’t a result of anger or resentment, and when you speak with honesty, clarity, and directness. Behaving with unkindness, like yelling at your son or criticizing your sister, only results in distress and hurt feelings and won’t give you what you truly want: consideration, understanding, and happiness.

Also remember that being kind doesn’t always have to be “nice.” You might choose to stop lending money to your brother if he didn’t pay back the last loan, but you can do it without meanness. Your words don’t always have to be pleasant, and you don’t need to hide your anger or disappointment, either. In fact, I encourage you to share your emotions in a nonaggressive way so your family knows how you’re really feeling. Phrase it in ways like this: “I’m angry at what you did, and I want you to know how it affected me” or “I’m so sad that you forgot my birthday.” If you speak directly and honestly, you’re more likely to repair a rupture, because you provide the listener with an opportunity to empathize and validate your experience. You’ll also feel better about yourself if you’re kind. I usually feel guilty, ashamed, or mad at myself when I do or say something harsh, but when I speak mindfully and act carefully—even when I’m hurt, angry, or dissatisfied—I tend to feel steady and empowered, and you will too.

Although I’ve worked hard to develop patient and loving behavior and be a skillful communicator, sometimes I still say or do something sharp, overly critical, or even hostile to someone I care about. You will too; it’s normal—we all have shortcomings and inconsistencies, and change takes time. Just keep in mind that all relationships will have rifts, misunderstandings, and estrangements, (even the happiest!), and when you act badly, it’s always possible to repair it. Acknowledge your unkindness, apologize for what you said, let it go, and start over. You don’t have to ruminate over it, berate yourself, or feel guilty, but do make a commitment to pause before you speak or act in the future, especially when you’re angry or upset.

Finally, you might feel like you don’t have the time or energy to change your habits, or that your family is so dysfunctional it won’t matter anyway—but please hear this: I know you can create happier relationships using mindfulness and kindness and the exercises in this book. That’s because all the Buddhist teachings from which they’re derived simply ask you to recognize and use qualities you already have: love, patience, compassion, joy, attention, and care. When you connect with all these beautiful assets, even if no one else in your family changes, your relationships will change, because you will.

(Excerpt adapted from Happy Relationships: 25 Buddhist Practices to Transform Your Connections with Your Partner, Family, and Friends. Copyright © 2025 by Kimberly Brown. Reprinted courtesy of Prometheus Books. All rights reserved.)

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Kimberly Brown is a meditation teacher and Buddhist student who lives in New York City. Happy Relationships: 25 Buddhist Practices to Transform Your Connections with Your Partner, Family, and Friends, is published by Prometheus Books.

Kimberly writes a popular Substack newsletter and you can learn more about her work and her schedule at her website, Meditation with Heart.

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